This summer, I decided to start vlogging. Not because I was planning on posting it anywhere, but rather because it motivated me to get things done. The more I did on a given day, the more content I had at the end of it. When I got home, I’d edit the footage and send it to a few friends. I did it for myself, but it also became something that I could use to share my somewhat messy life with people I care about. After I amassed over twenty people who wanted to be sent my daily vlogs, I made a group chat so I didn’t have to keep sending it to everyone individually.
One day, I decided to add my grandfather. He’d been complaining that I never talk to him and I thought this was an excellent way to make up for the lack of communication. I was wrong. A few weeks after he was added to the group, I visited him. When he asked what’s been going on in my life, I said he’d know if he watched my vlogs. He then admitted to not watching them. I inquired as to why a retired man couldn't watch a short daily vlog from his granddaughter. He said, “I don’t get it.” To be fair, I’m an oddball. A mix of depression, OCD, and ADHD can have that effect. My random humor and the way I see the world doesn’t make sense to everybody and that’s okay. But he continued and said, “I don’t get why you have to share your thoughts and life. Who wants to see that?”
Sometimes, it’s important to take a step back when someone says something hurtful. Analyze it, and try to understand where the comment came from. Yes, having my grandfather say he doesn’t understand why anyone would want to view a little of my life and thoughts hurt me. But I just stared at him, hiding my true facial reactions, and said, “because I’m wonderful.”
What I meant was that the way I see the world is fairly unique. There was a time in my life, a time not too long ago, where I would give anything to be able to think like everyone else. But eventually, I came to love it. I came to find myself not just a mentally ill mess, but a fascinating and rather funny person. After I edit my vlogs, I watch them, and honestly, I thoroughly enjoy them. I wasn’t kidding when I said I mostly make them for myself.
But my grandfather’s lack of understanding wasn’t personal. He wasn’t asking who would want to hear my thoughts, rather, who would want to hear anyone’s thoughts. And that’s when I realized that this was something bigger than my grandfather. This was a generational gap- a lagging his generation has in culture, entertainment, and ultimately, society.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been told that the internet is an escape. And yes, at points that felt painfully true. But as I grew up, I realized that saying “the internet is an escape” is a slippery slope to harmful invalidation.
I struggle to find the right way to describe what it is that I mean. Perhaps, this is because it was instilled in me that the internet isn’t a good thing from a very young age. Or at the very least, that it must be used with caution. And while the latter is true, I think older generations cannot begin to understand a society that is integrated with the internet. Because as much as older generations have embraced or accepted the internet-I still think there’s a stigma against it. For instance, you’ll see many older people using Facebook, but when you talk about other forms of social media, they turn their noses upwards. Because I think for them the internet is a place to connect with people in your physical life. But for our generation and younger, the internet is a place to connect with people not just in your physical life. My mother would never be able to understand why I would waste hours watching someone live stream. Someone that I don’t even know--someone who doesn’t even know that I exist. But for me, it’s a way to be a part of something, it's another form of entertainment and another way to enjoy life.
I realized this when I was watching Noel Miller’s Twitch stream (I’m not going to explain who he is if you don’t know-- look him up). To put it short- someone sent a donation (which then is automatically read by an automated voice) saying that his mom called people who watch streams “Loserville”. Noel then spent the next ten minutes addressing this point. I wanted to include parts of what he says because it really hit the mark: Your mom is trying to talk [badly] about the internet-- she doesn’t even get the internet, she
didn’t grow up with it like us. Let me tell you something about the internet, (addressing the
mother) Mom...your son is growing up in an era where they don’t have your concept of a
celebrity or like a famous person...people don’t go to standup shows, the don’t watch
comedians on TV...your son doesn’t even watch TV- this is what he watches and this is
infinitely more interactive than any of the media you’ve seen in your life...For the first time in
media, the viewer can talk directly to the performer. This happens on everything- Youtube,
TikTok, Facebook. Someone can leave a comment and that comment can be incorporated
into the media. You can’t call it Loserville....I could call late-night TV Loserville- you wanna
watch a guy like...Jimmy Fallon deliver talking points that are...second-hand front the
internet? So don’t judge your son… I think you need to open up and come down here to
Loserville and you might find someone you like...You tell me when’s the last time someone’s
been able to hand you a video and the [person] on the screen could look right at you and be
like *grabs the microphone off of the stand, pans the camera closer* Cindy, is this thing on?
*taps the camera lens* Hello? Yeah, I’m talking to you...Yeah, never…
Noel, in his frustrated rant, explains that entertainment has changed and maybe even for the better. It’s no longer a one-way thing, it’s interactive and more relatable.
My vlogs were a representation of this shift in entertainment. The world is changing because social media, with all of its flaws, has paved the way for emotions to become a priority. Thoughts and feelings are no longer considered taboo- no, the internet brought out a societal shift that embraces the mind and all of its quirks. But throughout the 1900s, and even a bit into the early 2000s, thoughts were entirely private. Feelings were to be only discussed in private settings, and if you saw a therapist, you kept quiet about it. And that’s why my grandfather can’t understand my vlogs. The older generations think we’re weak, sensitive, and immature. I’ve heard it countless times: “Your generation is so weak. When I was your age, you know what I had? Nothing. I had to work. This generation doesn’t lift a finger.” Really? Just because we aren’t doing work as you did, does that mean we aren’t doing work? Because something looks different, it’s lesser? No, we aren’t a weaker generation. We are simply allowing ourselves to be more vulnerable- a trait that takes immense strength and maturity. We’ve become an emotionally vulnerable society because we no longer feel the need to hide how we really feel, and in my opinion, the world is better for it.
I was trying to think of the point of this rant, because truly, what am I trying to say besides the Internet isn’t always an escape and that there is a lot of closed-minded older generation folk? I think it’s something I learned-- or I guess, something I’ve tried to embody ever since my first year in college: do what works. It’s such a simple concept that we often forget. Sometimes, it’s easy to get bogged down my details and internalized out-dated constructs. You see, I lived my life not realizing it was my life. That sounds obvious, but for me, and probably for a lot of others, that isn’t a given- it is a concept that I have struggled to internalize. We live our lives the way we think we should and not the way we want to. Yes, that is only natural because we are raised by people that aren’t ourselves. But what many parents disregard is letting their children know that their life is their own and that the way they see the world doesn’t have to be the way we see it.
For instance, another thing I did this summer was get more ear piercings. If I summarised the story, it would sound insignificant; I got more piercings despite my family’s disapproval. But it wasn’t out of rebellion or anything malicious- it was simply because that’s what I wanted.
You see, when I was a teen, I asked my mother if I could get a second piercing, she replied with, “that’s trashy.” And because I didn’t know any better, I threw out the idea. But a few years later, the desire resurfaced. I had just become an adult and so I asked my mother again. I pointed out that she couldn’t technically say no because I was an adult to which she replied, “Yes, but I’d respect you less.” And that was enough to stop me from getting another piercing.
And then, four years later, I asked myself: why does her respect matter more than my own? There came a point when I decided to care more about what I thought than what others thought. My opinion mattered more than my mother’s. Not because I didn’t value it, but because I was finally strong enough to prioritize me. Because I struggled with mental illness, I had spent my life trying to survive, not having the time or the mental capacity to think about what I really want. I lived solely on survival mode.
And now, when I finally have the mental stability to think beyond survival, I’ve come upon something I didn’t know was so terrifying and wonderful: wanting. I could want things more than a will to live! And it just so happened that one of the first things I realized I wanted was to get more piercings. That was all there was to it. However, my mother thinks this is me rebelling against my religion. But no, it’s not that dramatic. Getting more piercings was not a sign of religious disconnect, but rather, a sign of personal growth and maturity.
Maybe I started vlogging because I wanted to prove to myself that I was living. I wanted to have evidence that I was alive and awake. I wanted to share with people that I am no longer a story of depression and suffering- but a story of a complex human simply living. And maybe I got more piercings because that’s just what I wanted and I was sick of not letting myself have things because of other’s opinions. And maybe...just maybe, the internet isn’t an escape, but rather, a reality beyond what we could ever imagine.
Rachel Pollack